Everton v Man Utd Preview

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Welcome to the best year of your life yet.

Put that on a fucking fridge magnet. Thankfully that’s the back of 2017, with an apt ending of a damp squib performance against a relegation haunted team who hadn’t won in 8, but Everton still managing to out shit them. Quite the talent I’m sure you’ll agree.

After bemoaning the pre match angst on social media it turns out all the team-news-canaries down the Everton mine were right as an uninspiring team and defensive midfield of 3 contrived to deny us even the most basic of Allardyce team rights – a comfy 0-0.

Anyway it’s out with the old and in with the new. So I hope that there’s a massive skip outside Goodison now being filled with:

• 22 years of not winning stuff
• Complicating transfers
• Gutless performances souring my weekends
• New players with questionable hairlines
• Glass ceilings
• New managers turning to shit
• Not passing the ball forward
• Split fanbase
• Shite lager options at Goodison
• “Everton that”
• Having to turn sideways to get through the turnstile
• Everton not troubling the top of the table

As long as the in list has Everton being in a much better position 12 months from now and being recognised as the best snide young piss boilers about then I welcome 2018 and all it’s bounty.

Onto Man Utd and they need little introduction, as the greatest English team to have played the game. They’ve pained us something rotten over the years but in this decade at least we’ve had some notable successes against them.

Whenever you’re champions for a sustained period there’s a gigantic collective watchdog organisation, called twitter, which is studying everything your one billion fans say for the slightest whiff of arrogance. And when they find it fuck me it’s put on a gigantic pedestal for all to sneer at. So yes there’s some Man Utd fans who are arrogant and display lamentable entitlement. You’ll perhaps know some more of these than you peers and it will alter your opinion on Man Utd. As luck would have it my circle around me has been filled with pretty much sound Man Utd fans over the years which I’m sure is some sort of one in a billion happening but it’s just how it works out. The United fans I know can vividly remember being utter shite and many of the failures in the “out list” above, it grounded them sufficiently for the birth of the Premier League and what must have felt like a perpetual orgasm since then with all the shite they’ve won. The hardcore support (of which is mainly London, followed closely by Greater Manchester) though still have that propensity to utterly despise their club and I am a big fan of this.

Oh yeah and they also can’t stand the shite.

Naturally they lose points for an away following’s inherent need to chant shit songs throughout any match – laced full of cringey banter. Also major points deducted for copious amounts of denim – top and bottom – on their followings. It wouldn’t be fair to also take points for some startling lacks of personal hygiene. Final point deduction for some of the banners they’ve got lashed around the stadium which wouldn’t be out of place in a 1980s college Ice hockey rink. Tits.

They’ve had a rough ol’ time of it since Alex Ferguson called it a day – symbolised none more so than David Moyes and his chameleon teeth smiling behind the big desk at Carrington Park. That didn’t last long. Nor did Van Gaal, and in came Mourinho.

Mourinho is a tremendous football manager but largely a prick. There’s a deeper discussion out there for if it’s necessary to be both, with some form of study about key alpha behaviour leading a pack of egos and managing the even more delicate egos on your average English football fan. But not in this preview. I’m genuinely forgiving of Mourinho for his services to piss boiling Torpedo BigStand and his steadfast dedication to outing them as the lamentable organisation they are. Warming me nicely up for the cup game on Friday this, if you allow me.

Some of their players:

Lukaku – many had bought a ticket to the New Year’s Day pantomime and I for one am devastated he is likely to miss out on young lids haranguing him and the Park End offering him out. Thanks for the 68 goals Lukaku but you that celebration shit which you pulled at Old Trafford against needs retribution.

Rashford – I really like him and would be dead excited about him if he was ours but loads of United fans take the Everton scrutiny approach to their young players too.

Martial – you know what? I’d rather have Lukaku and Ibrahimovic than him and Rashford running at our defence.

Pogba – he’s really good and has come on loads this season with having Matic to anchor him. Seriously though no one gives a fuck about his hair or his instagram life-porn show. Just kick the ball dead good, that’s all anyone’s arsed about you tithead.

Shaw – wee fat Southampton pixie, run at him.

Rojo – shit tattooed barrio boy, run at him.

Jones – run at him

Dea Gea – best goalkeeper in the world I reckon.

So Everton. Manflu and injuries have caused some rotation over this busy spell of games and it hasn’t worked really. A measly 2 points from 9 sounded the honeymoon over klaxon for largest Samuel, with his face like an untimely vulgar prolapse, and now he’s gonna have loads of lids on his back until Everton start winning, or at least performing.

The defence is much improved, our goalkeeper is sound but that midfield and forward line needs a lot of work. Or new signings, which is staggering considering Everton just spent pretty much £200 million on new players in 2017. Schneiderlin being the first signing and symbolic of the rise and falls of our latest crop.

Until that Turk with the Dick Whittington shoes or whoever else comes in up front then it’s gonna be lashings of Niasse or DCL. Hoping the latter gets some breathing space to develop when they do come in as he’s got a lot about him. I reckon Sigurdsson is wasted a bit on the left but until Rooney’s importance dwindles then where else do you fit him? Lennon gives us exactly what we know he will on the right but all in all there’s just little threat up there. Certainly it’s a case for Lookman and Vlasic to at least get 20 mins here and there you’d think.

Fuck the midfield, I can’t even be arsed thinking about them.

With Keane and Jagielka playing 48 hours earlier I reckon that’s the signal for Williams and Holgate to return – who have been our most solid looking defensive partnership this season. Let’s see if we still think that way after United’s young guns have finished twisting them. Kenny faces another test in a promising season for the Kirkdale kicker and fuck knows what Martina will do at left back but we really need a signing there ASAP. Pickford’s save v Bournemouth was outstanding and it’s shite it counted for nothing. Some day – hopefully not soon – we gonna fret over him being linked away from us.

It’s way too early to be a pivotal game but we really have to not lose this. Which you’d think falls right into gorged Samuel’s expertise. Then again will we even get into their final third? A New Year’s day Goodison crowd will be wanting some snap in the tackles and going after them.

Anyway hope you had a good one, and wishing you and yours much love and happiness for 2018.

All the best. Only the best.

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