Everton v Chelsea Preview

by

Heavy going this winning thing.

Some relief then that current champions come to Goodison this Christmas Saturday to relieve us of this burden we have been carrying, all the way to the top half of the table.

Or will they? Read on to not find out.

Of course Chelsea will fucking win because there’s no way Everton are winning 5 out of 6 in the league with this bunch of mismatched chancers, and thus sending you into Christmas Day with positive thoughts about the future. Everton quite simply doesn’t work in this way.

No it’s not the type of damaging mindset which holds this club hostage at all – before all them young Spanish obsessed ultras launch edgy social media abuse – it’s just stating what you know. And if it isn’t then sound, then I’ll start to get a wee bit excited about what is to come. Because there’s a shitter of a month ahead, a double Sam honeymoon graveyard if you will.

Maybe it’s a defence mechanism to spare one from the regular pain Everton inflicts. Fuck knows.

The Swansea game was one I reckon we’d have lost a few weeks earlier. Going a goal behind has been somewhat of an achilles heel for an Everton team devoid of backbone. There’s no doubting the fixture list has been rather kind to large Samuel since his Everton introduction but 5 wins out of 6, and crucially 13 points out of 15 in the league have been most welcome and better than anyone really expected.

There’s shouts to cut some slack to our leader – with his face like an imminent mudslide – and a burgeoning large group of acceptors, even finding joy in Sammy Lee on our touchline and professing how it’s for the better. As often with Everton, division and polarisation are what we do so well. I’m game by game myself but If you can’t enjoy a load of Everton consecutive wins then fuck, Everton really have killed you inside and it’s time to take up bowls.

That goal by Sigurdsson though. That tackle by Kenny.

So what can we expect from Chelsea? An ace team signed at great expense who will provide a stern test of our defence and resolve. You watch them on the telly, you read about them often, they’re a cracking team. I can tell shit about them that you don’t know.

Manager Conte done great in his first season to galvanise the squad together in that 5 at the back system and muller most teams before them, including Everton twice. All sorts of mutterings about starting a dynasty and that but then Guardiola moved through the gears and has put pay to anyone thinking of that shit for a while.

Chelsea fans suffered from a certain stereotype – which is usually celebrated in full in these shite previews – but it’s a disservice to the tonnes of sound working class Chelsea fans out there. Fans who were staunch during Chelsea being abstract shite – barring the Kerry Dixon season – for absolute beards. Then the Abramovich thing happened which is like some mad cheat code on an arl Amiga 500 game, and Chelsea have been a different proposition since that.

There’ll be a lot of envy towards that but it’s delivered sustainable success in a new age of English top flight football. We’d be all over it. Interestingly those most triggered by this period of Chelsea is our nearest and dearest over the park, they have a real distaste for Chelsea and engage them in some tacky banter about plastic flags. I’d have absolutely no qualms over HOWARD KENDALL’S BLUE AND WHITE UNDIES on the finest young Orca or Panda skin if it meant we won a truck load of titles myself like.

Anyway if big red are hating on another club then it means that someone is doing some form of good deed, so it’s on that basis Chelsea get a pass in this preview. Maybe big red are just jealous Chelsea are winning leagues and they’re not, who really knows?

There’s of course the plethora of hang ons that Chelsea attract as fans who overcompensate to show they “get it” so they can fuck off, as can the racist ones too. Blerts.

Some of the Chelsea players that may or may not play against Everton this weekend:

Morata – doesn’t play as the ref shithoused him for celebrating a 92nd min winner. Pure Everton that.

Hazard – fucking ace. Twat him and take the early yellow, and hope.

You know what? It’s a bit futile going through them one by one as they’re all dead well known and have been done to death so we’ll skip this bit and go straight to St Domingo’s Young Pissboilers, and friends.

Don’t think too many people would be surprised to see the same team starting again. It’s been working against lesser lights with the only real scruple being that deep midfield combination of Schneiderlin and Gueye, but they seem more suited to this type of game where Everton will be sitting deep. If not then West Derby’s Thomas Davies will be on the scuttle between the lines and looking for them forward balls.

So that means more of DCL up front, and it’s dead pleasing to see his development and some well deserved acknowledgement coming with it. Evertonians are always going to have time for players that work themselves to the bone for the cause, which he does, but it’s all the other wee things he brings in the final third that become more pronounced the more he plays in a winning team. Easy for us to lavish compliments to anyone in that circumstance I suppose. We will need a good quality forward brought in as early as possible in January to share that load and take the lead, but at very worst we’ve a good quality squad player for £1.5m here, and at best who knows?

It’s also working well having eager legs in front of Rooney who himself is another example of that polarising quality of Everton I spoke of earlier. The last 4 weeks of Rooney have been very good indeed, on the back of him moving deeper and taking over the captaincy. The impact on the play, the goals and assists have been plentiful. Up to you if you cheer him in a royal blue shirt or not. I’m increasingly pleased he’s there though.

Sigurdsson is another to exert influence in the team with another scorcher of a goal and a similar heavy workload as admired in DCL. This type of impact on games is what we all expected when we signed him, the match winning impact. Thing is that he’s playing over on the left so not in his preferred position and I’m told by level headed Swansea fans that there’s levels still to come when he does end up there. We will see, but considering he was Emperors Clothes numero uno for me a month ago it’s pleasant to be proven a tit. Might as well continue the easy plaudits for wins against shit teams with Lennon and his various roles in the team. With Bolasie and January’s transfer window looming who knows for how long? But he’s come into a struggling team and delivered just what we needed, and given the young Kirkdale full back with sensational teeth behind him some space to make a foothold in the first team.

Defence may seem an uneasy alliance but it’s been working, although this game will provide a stern test of their competence. They passed it at Anfield so maybe I shouldn’t be too defeatist. Like fuck I’m moving on from the defence without lavishing praise on the young right back feeling his way into the team. If not anything else he’s illustrated perfectly the old Jack Rodwell adage about the differences between Birkdale and Kirkdale, with his most excellent shithousing. The latest of which was a completely needless, beautiful, tackle on that poor Swansea player. A tackle of such handsomeness that it started a melee in which all Jonjoe’s hopper mates bounced in like a snarl in the Paradox. Well in lad you’ll do for us.

Pickford in goal, he may be tested somewhat more than of late in this.

So I started with expecting a twatting, and the more I’ve gone on writing this I’ve been seduced by that hope thing that maybe glues many of us to this preferred weekend pastime of ours. Everton have got a wee bit of momentum and it’s at a more assured Goodison who know the importance of signing off for Christmas with a performance.

Allardyce has beaten Chelsea in his last two games with Sunderland and Crystal Palace respectively, with his sitting-deeper-than-a-spliff-on-an-old-sofa approach suiting this type of game, maybe, right at this moment.

Predictions and previews make awkward bedfellows so I’ll just leave that shit there.

It’s the season of goodwill and with this being the final game before Christmas I’d like to wish all the best to you and yours, and a heartfelt ‘nice one’ for all anyone clicking on any of this shite I type throughout the year. Goodwill to all. Except Chelsea, they can get to fuck. Right into them Everton.

This article is syndicated from Everton Aren't We? using their publicly provided RSS feed. To add (or remove) your content to EvertonAlerts, email us here