Southampton v Everton Preview


Everton are shite.

Tough to generate motivation to scribble a preview but maybe if I use that as a start and end point I’ll manage to fill a few paragraphs in between.

it may have been a dead rubber game but it was yet another demonstration of the toffees’ ability to pain the fanbase by getting twatted 5-1 at home. And so a month passes without a manager. Tune into Talksport to find out comes next in this particularly intolerable episode of Fuck Off Everton.

From the moment Michael Keane played really shite British Bulldog for their first you knew the spongy Everton backbone would yield another bucket of horrors upon your spectating displeasure.

It’s tiring. So fucking tiring even contemplating Everton right now, never mind watching them with any degree of enthusiasm. I can remember too well 1994 and when you look back at it in half cut reminiscence there were many contributing factors to our demise. You know what I remember in retrospect though? Apathy. A build up and onset of apathy for months/seasons prior. Extending sympathy for all of us who had to suffer meek shithouse Evertons sleepwalking into easy defeats. Not being arsed became normality after a while as many developed apathy as a survival mechanism over their preferred weekend pastime. Everton had gone from winning titles to probable relegation in just 7 years. The shock of the WImbledon game and how close we can woke a lot of us up, and attendances went up not long after. The extra stand helped like but don’t spoil my fucking narrative here.

There’s building apathy right now between fan and team, fan and club. Not that I’m gonna go into a monologue about being der greatest fans in der werld, but there’s been a scrutiny at Everton of those wearing the shirt that for the most part ensures at least effort and putting a foot in. Apathy erodes that.

So is it as bad at the mid nineties? We’ve better players but that same brittle confidence, inability to score and also to keep clean sheets. The Atalanta game being the 19th game in a row we’ve conceded in a game. Fuck knows where I’m heading here but my point is whatever Moshiri and co do next is dead important. I’m apathetically petrified of this fucking team, if that’s possible.

The bit where you condescend the younger generation by telling them “you should have lived through the 90s lad” is now vacant. Fuck they’re experiencing it in full glorious colourvision right now. Maybe like me you’ve seen Everton win stuff. Imagine David Moyes or Martinez’s first season being your peak Everton?

It’s meant to be a preview so it’s only right to look at who we’re playing and offer some searing insight. Southampton are scruffy cringeworthy south coast lad bible bellends. In the faux partisanship of the modern Premier League they are few that I pity more than these toe curling oiks.

LOL LOOK HOW MUCH HE CARES THO. No mate, you’re nothing more than footballing flotsam, drifting in and out of our fixture list. It’s just that your fans contain the highest concentration of texans I’ve ever come across. I can’t allow the aforementioned apathy to override any temptation I have to point it out.

I’m sure there’s someone better versed than me to identify the reason why Southampton make me cringe so much. Perhaps it’s being from a deep south nondescript grey civic town that is paranoid it can smell French in the air so it reacts strongly by over pinning its identity to INGERLAND & PROUD. And with it all the distasteful elements including dressing in chainmail during World Cups, “getting Tommy Robinson” and wearing gold necklaces outside their shirts down the pub. It should come as no surprise that Southampton voted for both Brexit and for a Tory government.

Considering this and their irrelevant existence, completely devoid of culture or charisma, they’re in may ways the antithesis of Merseyside. It is somewhat amusing to see displays of saltiness over their lucrative cruise ship business being lured away by Liverpool. The simple question for anyone British or even more so foreign would be “why the fuck would you want to visit Southampton?” – clear determining factor at play here.

For some mad fucking reason their fans are incapable of watching a game without treating it like they’re being auditioned by CCTV for a walk in part in any further TV series by Danny Dwyer on football. There’s an amazing amount of pent up “banter” and passive aggression. Except, they’re from fucking Southampton, so there’s absolutely no authenticity in it. They get buzzed off because we see them, and their perfect caricature of deep south England.

Hope they can change their ways. In the meantime we will effortlessly take any manager we like from them, and fire them at will when they can’t handle the step up to Everton. Even when we’re in the Championship next season.

A list of some of their players:

Austin – looks like every third “lad” arriving on Mathew Street for a stag do on Friday. Ready for ‘jaegers and banter”. Read that as “syphilis and a twatting from an irritable doorman”.

Gabbiadini – Southampton’s Jelavic, the silky cool slotting twat that I could love, for a while at least.

Long – will run all day for you in the manner that a dog chained in a kennel all week will embrace Ainsdale beach. He’s shite and looks like every second “lad” getting launched down the CCTV-less stairs somewhere on Mathew St on a Friday night while the rest of the stags look for him.

Tadic – viewed through the spectrum of I-noticed-him-twice-on-MOTD he looks quite ace and I’d have him for Everton.

Davis – a more Northern Irish looking man you’ll be hard to find.

Van Dijk – keeps deep space company with a hologram, a melancholic service mechanoid and the last known human alive – who also happens to be a scouser.

Forster – a modern Mary Shelley offering, the big near post prone shit twat.

They’ll beat us with absolute ease despite winning three games and scoring 9 goals all season.

It’s a possibility this is Unsworth’s last game in charge and judging by his comments there won’t be many that capitulated to Atlanta getting a look in for this game.

In our attack so many have done so little for impotence in blue than them jarg Pfizers you ordered online. Absent for sure will be our last great striking hope of Niasse who is suspended for making the most of that Scott Dann challenge last weekend. Fuck all we can do about it other than hope some other thing up front fancies making a run for saving Everton’s skin with their goals. We will love you long time if you do. Maybe that’s Ramirez who has a weird ability to make the difficult look comfortable, and a five yard pass layoff look complicated. Hope that goal does him good. Calvert-Lewin is a shoe in too. It isn’t working out for Rooney right now, perhaps maybe even never, so hope he’s ducked from the team for a bit.

Midfield is fucked. On paper there’s numerous combinations but none of them work. Not as fucked as our defence who are carry less assurance & confidence than a Zimbabwean regime change. Whatever the fuck Jordan Pickford has done to spite karma must be some real serious shit.

And that’s about the size of it really.

Everton are shite.

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