Crystal Palace v Everton Preview


Two weeks to savour a win feels real good. So good that it’s tempting to wish for one of them continental style winter breaks so we can dwell some more, and stave off the the adverse reaction Everton can bring to your weekends.

The obsession, perhaps fanaticism and intensity of which is between you and Everton man. Maybe you’re not that arsed, it’s a convenient weekend excuse to nab some time with your mates. Or a forced habit as it’s something you’ve always done and can’t, or won’t break, the cycle. Or – more likely – you’re one of them Russian spambots scanning this article and about to post a comment at the bottom about how much you earn per hour working from home, and a link to replicate this which installs jarg bad cookies, hijacks your identity and sells your retinas to Crimea all because you clicked on one of them tedious fucking fan wrote football articles to kill a moment or two while you have a turd.

Let me not stall that shit any further. It’s time for Everton whether you fucking like it or not.

Last game was a much needed win and – all things considered – fabulous comeback against Marco Silva’s Watford. Any manager that can shit a two goal lead to a genuinely atrocious Everton side has got something about him so after Marco we went, and subsequently got KB’d twice. Worse rejections were to come.

Time is ticking round as we stroll to nearly four weeks without a full time Everton manager. Being the hypocritical fuck I am I wrote a self aggrandising paragraph on how it shouldn’t be Unsworth a few weeks ago, but as time goes on who else is reasonably out there that you think we could get?

Rather than cry arse about something I don’t understand, or control, I’ll hastily move on with my arse keenly lodged on the non committal fence. Sometimes it’s quite alright to say “I don’t have a fucking clue about this mate”. I just hope we get an Everton manager who makes our weekends a happier place.

So back to the scene of our last away win. Can you remember January that well? Watched it from a hungover bed in Miami when it looked like Ronko’s superbloos were turning a real corner, hot on the heels of trashing Man City.

Of course Everton don’t work like that and progress is seldom a straight line, with sustained ascendancy usually halted by crushing disappointment. It means we find ourselves 10 months without an away win, without a manager and the ignominy of Sam Allardyce (told you worse was to come) turning us down. The fat lying fuck. Let there be no doubt this is a man who associates showing gratitude after a hearty meal by licking the plate – maintaining full eye contact with the host – and letting out a massive belch.

The fat bung soliciting sports science loving toad happened to be Manager of Crystal Palace when we won our last three points on the road that day in January. They’ve had 2 managers since with the man in the hotseat being Roy Hodgson, who holds the prestigious title of “Kopite Manager I’ve despised least in recent times”.

And it’s similar to Crystal Palace really. There’s not much to despise them for which is an increasing rarity in modern Premier League togger. Sure, if you study their crowd some of them think it’s a fucking carnival and there’s some elements of BANTER NATION LOL but on the whole they’re decent sorts. I could try and pick away an edge to hideously stereotype them in a poor light but it’s the right thing to give them a nod and save the malice for the irrelevant southern bellwipes of Southampton and West Ham in just over a week’s time.

Also there’s loads of credit in the bank with Palace for thanks to the Crystanbul thing and how much they took great delight in piss boiling the shitheads across the park.

Here’s a list of some of their players to keep the facade of it being an actual preview going:

Benteke – fit again and ready to assault our assorted shit centre halves with his back.

Zaha – faster than a reply to Trump on twitter, blows hot and cold, and was blowed by the West Ham Manager’s daughter allegedly.

Loftus-Cheek – plays for England.

Townsend – place a warm hen on his head and within a week loads of other shite little footballers will hatch and try scoring from 35 yards but missing.

Cabaye – *gets number 10 brain freeze*

Sakho – irritated the kopites by celebrating beating the shite whilst on loan from there.

Dann – The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world. Spit.

Speroni – how long has the bad pasta sounding shitehawk been around?

They’re bottom of the league in desperate need of points and eyeing up an insecure Everton with desperate ambition of getting three points. Like us against Watford really. We can’t let that happen, like fuck we can.

As for who Everton plays? I’m no ITK, compadre, but I’d be surprised if Niasse doesn’t start which is some achievement as ten weeks earlier we nearly offloaded him onto a desperate Palace until some fax machine fucked up. Let’s face it Rooney will be around there somewhere whether you like it or not. We’ve got a right wing so fucking dull that even Twitter wouldn’t blue tick it.

Sigurdsson was signed for the cutting edge of goals and ace set pieces which our players score from. Spreading the goals around lar. Yeah that’s worked out, but really unless the Icelandic lad wants crushing Everton notoriety then he needs to start winning us some points. Absolutely no idea of who the midfield combination will be in there with him, Davies and Gueye I reckon.

Can’t be arsed speaking about a defence that scares me. Pickford is sound though.

Win this and Everton are 10 points off the bottom of the table, lose and that gap shrinks to 4. What can I tell you that a Russian spambot can’t?

Right fucking into these blues.

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